Sad or Happy

A year ago, it was when I received my MRI report. My feelings at that time were like blur, lost and sad?? (Was i?) I'm just not sure how I felt then and also now. To those who knew what happened last year during Chinese New Year period when I was in hospital and got to miss the 1st semester of University, when I stayed in the hospital for a week.

Kay today, I just received my CT Scan report, the scan for my brain. I tried to act positive. I tried to remain calm and steady. I didn't want to be unhappy and tried to believe that miracles do happen. But, I don't know why God is doing this to me, why after the 1st challenge in life, I do need to face this all again. I can't bear thinking of the pain I felt a year ago. I remembered the pain a year ago, it made me cried the whole day.

I remembered the tears, the pain I suffered, the problem I faced before and after the surgery. It really requires a very strong courage from the internal me. I'm afraid I wouldn't be that strong and brave again. I'm afraid of the pain. I do not know how to react to it anymore, especially when the doctor told me that the cyst had grew back. I tried to act normal but I know deep in me, I'm not that strong, I'm not that happy about this. Like, how am I to be normal and happy about this. Right?

I know I have the support and care from my family, friends (if they read my blog.) and also him. But, the courage from the inner me is no longer that strong anymore. Kay, I admit I'm scared to just imagine myself lying on the surgery trolley, being pushed into the surgery room, the injection (what you call it a, the one which puts one to sleep), and the pain when I wake up..

I do not know why this time, I just have no reactions when being told and to tell what the doctor told me to my family and him. He was quite pissed off with me, he was like saying can I like show a sense of worry and to care about what is about to happen to me. But, honestly do you think people around me would want to see me worry and sad about what's happening? I try to act strong especially in front of my parents especially my mum. I do not want them to be worry about me. Please, tell me how.

The doctor wants me to undergo another surgery but a different one. He says it would be better to undergo it at this early stage. Still at the considering stage, but I know I really have to make this decision fast. (Name of surgery: Cystoperitoneal Shunt) And I'm still caught in the middle to do or not to do. Besides, I'm also in the middle of expressing my feelings, to be sad or happy (act normal)?

Lost and confused with everything now. After the surgery last year, I thought everything would come to an end already. I thought that I will not be that lucky for it to grow back and to face all these again. Sad* Sad* Sad*

Translation

一年前, 当我刚收到MRI报告时我的心情应该只有我自己最清楚吧.. 当时的我有多烦有多不开心.. 当时的我因为这个手术我缺课.. 有几个星期没去上学还好当时的我有我身边的人,我最亲的人..我家人,他和我的朋友们,都在我身边不断的鼓励我照顾我..我很开心有他们.. 因为有他们我有了那一鼓力量去面对一切的一切..谢谢你们..

今天我收到了我等了1/2个月的报告..我已经很尽量的用最好最乐观的心态去面对一切了..可是为什么为什么老天爷还是这样呢???我已经不知道我该怎样去面对这些事了..我不知道我应该用怎样的心情去面对了..经过了上次我人生中最大的考验,这次我是不是应该更勇敢了呢?我自己也不知道了..想会当年的痛这就已经让我够烦了啊!!

当年的痛苦应该只有自己最清楚吧...动手术之前和后的痛苦是我这一辈子都不可能会忘记的lo.. 那真的很需要很大的勇气和力量去克服当时的心里和身体上的伤..我担心我不能像当初那样的坚强了..怎么办啊??

虽然表面上我真的能很开心就好像什么事都没发生过可是,我又能怎样噢?难道要伤心要哭吗? 对不对?

我知道我会有我身边的人的支持和鼓励,可是现在最重要的还是我心里的那一种心情..我还不知道要怎样去看待这些事了啦..我还在想着被推进手术房里的那整个过程和心情..想到都害怕啊!!没人会懂和了解那些苦的啊!!我真的很怕!!

我很不明白为什么这次的心情很不一样.. 他骂了我..他很气我为什么我就是一幅不在乎的样子..他还问我,为什么我就不能表现出一些会担心的表情..可是难道我就要这样吗?这样会害到我身边的人, 尤其是我妈, 会更担心更难受的你知道吗? 对不起我就是那一幅想扮坚强的样子..我是必不得已的..我不要别人为我而担心..我就是不要..我宁愿一个人辛苦都不要别人比我更辛苦..对不起..我不要别人把我当病人来看待..我就是不要..因为我还是一样的我!!

医生要我去动多一次的手术..可是是另外一种手术啦..我需要尽快给他一个答复..我还在考虑着.